you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
