im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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