my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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