she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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