Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
