I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
