you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
