Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
