The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
