Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
