No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
