so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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