Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
