I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize