I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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