we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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