My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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