We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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