I've blown a few things in my day
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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