WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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