I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You have to summon your inner elephant
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
