I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
