What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
