Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
