they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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