I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Boobs speak an international language.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
