My nipple is on Facebook.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
