Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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