Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
