I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
