we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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