I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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