I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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