ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
