If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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