YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
