There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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