The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
