i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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