I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
