your parents love me but you hate me
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
