in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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