With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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