She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
