thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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