I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
