You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
