It's Friday. Sex?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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