.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
