Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
