A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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