now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
