If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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