dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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